Dealing with Female Aggression 

By Carly Young, 


Whispering that stops when you walk into the room. Eyes rolling when you crack a joke. Stony silence when you try to make conversation. Cruel behavior is so common among women that it has its own name: female aggression. Unfortunately, it doesn't end after high school – it can happen anywhere, from the water cooler at work to the PTA meeting. Find out why grown women bully each other and what you can do about it. 

The New Bully on the Block

When you think of bullying, you probably picture the tough guy who beat up the chess club president in school. But women bully too. And usually it has nothing to do with physical contact.

Though women are less inclined to yell and scream, start a fistfight or punch each other in the nose, they use subtler but equally hurtful bullying tactics, says Denese Gray, manager of Equal Opportunity, a program that helps students and staff who have been discriminated against at James Cook University in Australia. Among their favorites: backstabbing, giving the cold shoulder and being passive-aggressive.

According to Gray, typical female bullies:

- Are devious.
- Are vindictive.
- Have a selective memory.
- Need to control.
- Excel at twisting the truth. 

They also adore gossip. "Most women don't consider gossip to be a bullying behavior, but it is," says Dr. Cheryl Dellasega, author of Girl Wars (Fireside, 2003) and Mean Girls Grown Up (Wiley, 2005). Anyone who has been the subject of a vicious rumor will certainly agree.

The Queen Bee

Who becomes a queen bee? Is it the gorgeous, rich girl with the trendiest clothes? Surprisingly, it often has little to do with looks or money. "The queen bee is always the woman who's the most manipulative," says Dellasega. She's the best at making other women do what she wants, using underhanded techniques to make her friends fear her and yet envy her. Then, she uses her friendship with the middle bees as a weapon against her victim, isolating and excluding her

Why Me?

Although no one asks to be a victim, certain characteristics make a woman an easy target. "It's the big three," says Dellasega:

1. Being different: Maybe you're the only unmarried, childless woman in a book club filled with stay-at-home moms. The other women may not be able to relate to you, which can make you a target.

2. Being betrayed: A woman can become a scapegoat when someone in the group leaks a secret or weakness that she shared in confidence. 

3. Being excluded: When the queen bee cuts down another woman, the rest of her friends often follow suit until an entire bond is based on shunning one individual. 

Bullying doesn't necessarily stem from jealousy. According to Dellasega, it starts early on – sometimes even in preschool! Young girls test out different behaviors to see what they can get away with and how far they can go.  

"A young woman who becomes entrenched in manipulative behaviors early on carries them into adulthood," she says. Oftentimes, the bully may not even realize she's a bully – she may just be acting out of habit. Other women bully simply because they have low self-esteem. They derive a sense of power and control over situations that might otherwise make them feel helpless. They may also believe that the easiest way to make friends is to unite with other girls against one victim.

Negative interactions with women at a young age can cause a girl to grow up defensive. "The [bully] is a victim in some ways, too, suffering from the same feelings of fear, anger and lack of confidence she fosters in others," says Dellasega. Bullying may be her way of protecting herself.

Positive Ways to Counter Bullying

1. Find a positive female role model. If you have a daughter, be that model for her, no matter how old she is. "Having a positive role model can shape the way a girl interacts with women for the rest of her life," says Dellasega. 

2. Find something that gives you a bigger sense of purpose. Volunteer or find an activity you love, whether it's writing, playing sports or painting. Devoting time to your passions may not make the bully problem go away. But if you have an activity that truly makes your life worth living, those gossips in your yoga class will lose some of their hold over you.  

3. Don't force your way into a group that won't accept you. You'll only set yourself up for more heartache as they continue to exclude you. Instead of obsessing over the women who give you the cold shoulder, seek out friends, colleagues and neighbors who make you feel comfortable and accepted.